Oops! I have ADHD!

 

 video Link 

 

 

Popular youtube personality Thought Slime made a video on the subject of ADHD, and it had some special guests, including a very late just on time and just in keeping with the requirements segment by me. I think its one of the best visual depictions of living with ADD/ADHD*, multiple little bits and jokes are about things I go through every single day, and while on their own can seem small in combination which often happens and several times a day, which can often happen, on bad days these issues and tics can plague me multiple times an hour. I really appreciate TS's platform being used to give some frankly much needed awareness of this frankly constant struggle. That seem a little melodramatic and for me I have good days and bad days, but the bad days can be brutal. I meant to write this up immediately after watching the video because I mean what I say, I think it's a really, really good demonstration of some of the more common problems of life with ADHD. And by the comments of other suffers, this opinion is shared. But just didn't get around to starting it, as many things just cropped up. I don't even know if I'll finish it, I can easily see other things jumping ahead of the queue or embarrassment over fears of oversharing getting to me so that this stays in my drafts folder for years/forever. 

 I've also reached another problem, I'm not sure how to continue, I planned to write this on the 3rd, and had an entire outline worked out in my head, and could still remember it when I started working on this, but now that information is gone. Well, I guess it's time for improvisation, hopefully if you're reading this far you have watched the video, it details many of the common symptoms of ADHD and how they effect TS, though I guess it's important to make clear that these are not the only issues nor do they affect everyone equally or at all. I think in retrospect this was what drove the ADD/ADHD division in the past, since patients clearly demonstrated some but not others. The popular conception of someone with ADHD is essentially a looney tunes character who is incapable of sitting still and talks ridiculously fast. There are people who are like that sometimes, I myself am usually more physically sedate, but I've chewed my way through thousands of pen lids and pens, and worn holes in hundreds of shirts, snapped pens and pencils in half, rubbed the skin off my wrists and fingers and had been biting my nails till they bleed for years, though I've managed to stop that one three years ago. 

There are other manifestations of this nervous energy I wasn't aware of, I was once interrogated by a policeman on the street who assumed I was a recovering addict because I keep brushing my face, and apparently that's a tell. And several school and work colleagues thought I was quitting smoking (never started) because my movements are quite similar (apparently) to someone trying to kick nicotine.

But these are relatively minor issues for me, the internal issues can be much more challenging. Many of the contributors talked about executive dysfunction and how attention deficit often comes with its opposite, extreme abundance of attention. Difficulty making choices and committing to them even on minor choices can derail an entire and throw a schedule off permanently. Focus on one task no matter how random can have the same effect, there have been many times where I have spent most of a day on a project to the point where no other task is done, to the point where I've gone days without eating, I'm aware that my body is hungry, or that it's getting late, or I have something else that should be really important to do, but that awareness is still somehow distant and not really important at the time, whatever I'm focussing on must take priority. The kicker is that the only times I've seen this behaviour discussed it's either in anecdotes from other people's ADHD struggles or in horror fiction where it's used as an early warning that possession or dangerous obsession is developing. 

The guidelines for submission whereas follows 

 

 - Please email me (thoughtslimeeditor@gmail.com) a <=10 second video of you telling me something you wish more people knew about adhd - Please pretend you are speaking to me on the phone - Please use the subject line "ADHD video" - Please give me links to use in the description.
-Please introduce yourself and what you do in the video. -Feel free to do whatever jokes you want, or put your own spin on things.

Didn't feel comfortable recording myself for a video so went with a tape cassette as a sort of mock answer machine as that sort of fit in with the fake call remit. The difficulty for me was the time length, given that I'm supposed to introduce myself and what I do creatively and maybe tell a joke and my main gripe all in ten seconds seemed impossible. I guessed it was a soft limit but still the time was a bit of a barrier, so I boiled it down to "I wish people would listen to me, instead of immediately substituting what they think ADHD is and then interrogating me when that doesn't fit" but that was still to long, so I abbreviated it. 

With a longer window, there's a lot more I would've said, and I'm kinda doing some of this here. If I was making the video and had all the time in the world the video would never get done I'd probably talk about just how non-stop hostile "Normal" society is to people who think and act like myself. And how modern technology has made some of this more manageable while at the same time greatly exacerbating other issues. Virtually everything from strict behavioural standards, deadlines, services offers some challenge or potential stumbling block. The pressure just keeps building, and the really horrible thing is that much of that pressure comes from everyone else living what is for them perfectly normal lives. I do my best to cope** but there are times when I just need to drop out for a while and do something else and get away from interactions and obligations. But there aren't many jobs where you can do that and make enough to support your basic needs.

 This is why I'm constantly shifting from project, to hobby, to interest, making some headway then seemingly dropping them only to pick it back up at some point down the line. It's also the reason why I haven't let this blog die despite its clear shifts in focus, I've somehow managed to keep it going for over ten years, and it's become something of an anchor, but it's also become a bit of a map to my state, in addition to the content showing what I've been experiencing and the pace of my intellectual development like any other blogger, the topics it focuses on and the incredibly erratic pace of updates also show how well I'm keeping all these plates spinning in the air. And if you've read my stuff and were wondering, yes this is largely why they often have a strange and inconsistent style and switch from voices or jump back and forth, its also largely why I keep editing posts weeks after publishing.

The problems with my limited ability to put things into words and this tendency a lot of people have to just latch on to their, well, best guesses, has been a major issue for me for a good number of years. There has been some change though, back in the day when I said the scary combination of letters to explain something most people asked "what's that?" and then started jumping in once I started clumsily explaining. More recently, I usually get some variation on "how's that relevant?" or "you don't act like it, are you sure?" I don't know if that counts as progress. Although none of the other submitters matched mine in words (unless I missed one) I noticed a few of them were expressing similar issues. Most of them were essentially regrets that wider society only seem to have one mental picture of a person with ADHD and are completely ignorant of virtually every other issue it causes and way it manifests, even if they're incredibly serious.

I do sort of get it, as frustrating as it is, since many of these issues are internal, it can be incredibly difficult to explain to people who don't have these issues. The joke about not being able to see a water bottle when it's right in front of your face, is an example of a very common issue many, including myself, have with perception. And yet from personal experience trying to get people to understand that this is an issue is completely miserable. I can't speak for others, but for myself my eyes are fine, I can physically see the object, but I'm not registering that I'm seeing it, or in some cases I do register that I see the object, but my mind does not acknowledge that it is the object that I am looking for. I'm sure everyone can agree that this can be quite annoying, especially when you're in a hurry, and you've already spent a lot of time getting ready and have in fact double-checked. But it can be even worse, when this problem is noticed, usually, the assumption is that I have visual impairments or that I don't have a functional mind. Really not pleasant, and that's only one of the perception differences I have to neurotypicals, and they all have caused me no end of grief.

In fact, there's another fantastic video made by someone with ADHD that uses animation to try and better express what some of this is like.

video link

I think these two videos pair well, they show some similarities but a lot of differences of degree and kind. I was surprised how much of what TS's skateboard journey reminded me of my own life, I didn't find the jokes funny though, I found them clever, but they were often tied to some unhappy memories. Abigail's video is also very clever and also brings up some unpleasant memories. I was struck by the part about being a pilot of a plane but then realising you weren't even in the cockpit. I've had that feeling several times and I do not want to feel that way ever again but I'm sure its only a matter of time. I also thought the near constant background hum and tap, tap, tapping was inspired. Sometimes for me that's litteral even tiny disturbances can wreck my concentration, but there are times when absolute silence can be just as bad, exam conditions were a nightmare even when the school agreed there was an issue and allowed me to take them in rooms on my own. Solitary confinement is considered a form of torture for a reason.

This may seem depressing, but writing it feels really cathartic, I'll try to end on a sort of positive note. I was diagnosed when I was 16, it was a surprisingly pleasant experience and in addition to the diagnosis I got a recommendation letter for treatment and support. There was however a problem, this was 2006 in the UK. At that time not only was their a divide about ADD vs ADHD there was little to no understanding of either. In order to pursue treatment options (which barely existed) I had to go to a mental health professional, there were no ADD/ADHD specialists, and the only mental health institution in my area was the staff at a confinement ward. When I went to the appointment and explained my issue and showed the documents and GP referral, the Doctor didn't know what I was talking about, she not heard of this disorder. I attempted to explain and she started taking notes. The questions very quickly started to focus on violent delusions, and I noticed that she wasn't actually taking notes, she was checking off a list. She was determining whether I was a risk to myself or others, if I continued with this line of questioning and failed she could've sectioned me. So I ended the interview and essentially gave up trying to seek treatment or extra support. You might think I was overreacting, but at the same time in a neighbouring area a boy my age went to his mental health team in a similar institution for support for his Autism. Autism was also not widely understood at this time, he was sectioned and he has remained in that ward ever since, I know this because the campaign his family has been fighting to try to get him out has become notable as an example of how horrible are system is to people who aren't neurotypical.

Since then I've been getting by with stimming (behaviour that eases the pressures).  However the good news, there has been some increase in awareness in the public and the health system, there are more treatments available, and there are now some, but not many, ADHD specialists. And I'm now once again seeking some assistance. Unfortunately its still a low priority, there aren't that many specialists, and its well known amongst ADHD circles to be a lengthy and difficult process, oh and also COVID happened. 

So yeah, don't really have a way of ending this, I did remember what my first plan for this was three paragraphs ago, but just kept on going. The ending for that wasn't very good either though. So here's a final appeal to watch the two videos I've shared if you haven't already.

*The distinction between Attention Deficit Disorder ADD and Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder ADHD has changed over the years and where you are, and the attitudes of health professionals in your country or region. When I was first diagnosed ADHD was more commonly associated with North America with the UK favouring ADD and as far as the learning difficulties and disability support assessors were concerned the two were quite different. Nowadays, the consensus is more that they are the same thing really, so if a person is diagnosed or uses one label, the other applies too.

 

** After writing this, I've just realised that the increasingly common internet joke about cope and coping probably shows some lingering and unconscious hostility towards people with anxiety and emotional and behavioural struggles.